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RELATIONSHIP COLUMN: Decoding the Female Language

Alex Parker

Ok, to kick off the semester I thought I’d help out the men/boys on campus. I have decided to be your saving grace. I am going to decode the female language for you. No need to thank me for this public service. Now, if a girl says:

1. Fine: Do not take this as her actually being fine. Something is definitely wrong with her and she either doesn’t want to talk about it or wants you to work harder at figuring out what the problem is so tread lightly here. A girl will also say this to end an argument. However, she is not subduing to your point, she just doesn’t want to argue anymore and still thinks you’re wrong and an idiot.
2. Go Ahead: Stop whatever it is that you are doing or planning to do. This is not permission; this is a subtle challenge to see if you are stupid enough to go ahead with your plan. If you do continue with your plan, be prepared to face the cold shoulder later on.
3. Nothing: Almost never actually means nothing. It’s always something so proceed with caution because chances are you pissed her off somehow.
4. Whatever: This is your cue to back away slowly. She has had enough and is now a ticking time bomb. Your best bet is to just leave her alone for a while.
5. Do you really want to…: Your next move should be to say no I don’t really want to. Whether it’s where you are going to dinner or the movie you’re going to see, if she adds a really into the question it means she does not want to do/ go where you suggested at all.
6. Thanks a lot: You are not being thanked. She is seething and being very sarcastic. Whatever you do, do not say you’re welcome because there is a strong possibility that you could lose a limb.
7. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Run away! She is now doing something that she most likely asked you to do several times and you ignored it. Now she’s doing it and is ready to pounce. Also, when you later ask her what is wrong and she replies with a “nothing,” refer back to #3.
8. WOW!: This is not a compliment, she is not amazed by your greatness. Although, she is amazed that one person could be as stupid as you are.

Here it is gentlemen. A complete list of things you should be aware of when dealing with your lady. I’m sure there are many, many more. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Why don’t girls just say what they mean?” A word from the wise here, don’t ever ask a girl that. We are complex and emotional beings, you are not. Boys are much more simplistic in their approach to relationships. Just buck up and deal with it.

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